This is one in a series of five lessons presented by Travis W. Lewis in 2010. Each has been revised in outline form with intent to facilitate ease of reading and comprehension. Opinions expressed in these publications represent those of the author alone and not necessarily those of any organization or individual with which the author may be affiliated. Armed with only private prayer, intense study, decades of teaching experience, continuous observation, and a satiating desire to leave behind some truths learned at great expense, the author claims no professional training in marriage counselling.

[Photo at the opening of this lesson is of Joe Bailey and Brenda McPeake Kelley of Lexington, Tennessee; photo was taken on their 50^th wedding anniversary in 2010.]

MARRIAGE – FROM NOW ON… I DO

By: Travis W. Lewis

Lesson 5 of 5

[CLASS TURN TO PSALMS 51: 6.]

1) INTRODUCTION

a) This is the final session of our focus on the institution of marriage.

b) It is my sincere hope that we have shared some thoughts that have caused you to think on, or to begin even developing a clearer view of, what God intended for the marriage relationship to be.

c) At the beginning of each lesson, we have together reviewed vows that have collectively been the titles of each lesson.

d) So, let’s do that once again now…

i) “In the presence of God…”

ii) “I take you…”

iii) “To love and to cherish…”

iv) “Forsaking all others…”

iv) “From this day forward…”

e) “From this day forward..”, or “From now on” – This final lesson is about what husbands and wives can do to build a foundation for a continually maturing marital relationship that can last throughout life.

f) Preparation for this final session has prompted me to consider that many in the group have been married for most of our lives, and whether, after all these years, we sort of settle into a state of mind that accepts as fact that the relationship is grown to total maturity and will never have need to change.

g) But though we may have mostly ironed out our differences as we have gone along, time continually presents new challenges as our bodies and minds and customs change.

h) And, just when we feel certain that we have wrestled Satan to the mat in our lives, and even in the marriage relationship, complacency takes seed and begins to grow, and the relationship begins to starve for attention.

i) Maybe the needs in the relationship are not the same as many years ago, yet complacency and neglect in any vital area of life are seeds that are sown by Satan which will contaminate treasured relationships. That of marriage is no different.

j) Be assured that the father of evil and of lies and of deceit has not given up on sowing such seeds in a wholesome marriage relationship that will choke out and replace the warmth and contentment and security furnished by the home in years gone by.

k) Marriage maintenance calls for our attention, so let’s begin this final lesson by focusing on the need for the marital relationship to continually grow and mature.

l) QUESTION: To bring that point into focus, let’s ponder this question; when you were first married, what were the grand goals that you first shared together?

i) First house that you could call your very own?

ii) Maybe finding a place in the church where you could become active?

iii) Having children that reflect the both of you?

iv) Advancement in one or both of your careers?

v) At some point, moving into a larger, more convenient house?

m) Life was exciting with all that, and much more, to look forward to.

n) QUESTION: But what are your goals now?

i) You’ve bought your first house and second house and maybe third house….

ii) You’ve found a place in the Lord’s work that you can both share, or maybe even that has become mundane and not exciting anymore.

iii) The children have come and gone, and the nest is empty again – just you and her (or him), all alone, with little if anything that excites or enthuses you anymore.

iv) Rook games or rounds of golf with a bunch of old men or old women, even though those activities may have some worth, how many does it take to realize that they’re really not satisfying your inner spirit, and they’re not making the loneliness go away?

2) RELATIONSHIP “MAINTENANCE”

a) That’s what this lesson focuses on – a marital relationship that, with age, grows and ripens, because only when it seasons is it truly healthy and satisfying.

b) There are three topics on which we will focus…

i) Confessing and repenting

ii) Catching the little foxes – being wise enough to catch and destroy the little things before they become big things that will eventually harm or destroy the relationship

iii) Then, to connect spiritually.

c) Let’s begin with Psalms 51, which contains King David’s prayer of repentance toward God after his adultery with Bathsheba, his lying and plotting and trying to cover it up, then, after having failed, having Bathsheba’s husband placed in a position in which he was killed.

d) And, if we ever wonder what a prayer of confession and repentance sounds like, read this plea of David in Psalms 51.

[CLASS READ PSALMS 51:1-13.]

¹ Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. ²Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, ³For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. ⁴Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. ⁵Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. ⁶Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.

⁷Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. ⁸Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. ⁹Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. ¹⁰Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. ¹¹Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. ¹²Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. ¹³Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. [1]

e) Confess And Repent

i) In all scripture, this psalm of David may be the one that most exemplifies confession and repentance.

ii) Regardless of what sin may have been involved or whether our repentance is toward God or man, this is the heartfelt attitude with which the offender must come.

iii) QUESTION: Can there be genuine repentance without confession? NO

(1) First, notice that confession is not an attitude like, “If I’ve done anything wrong…”, or, “If I’ve done something to offend you…”, or, “If I’ve done something to hurt you…”.

(2) In apologies, there are no “ifs.”

(3) Whether approaching God, neighbor, or spouse, seeking forgiveness, and, whether the offense has been “large” or “small”, we have not apologized until we have understood that we have done something that unnecessarily offended.

(a) (V.1) blot out my transgressions… “yes, I have crossed a line that I should never have crossed…”; that’s confession.

(b) (V.2) Wash me thoroughly… — “yes, I, and I alone, have contaminated our relationship, and I plea for cleansing”.

(c) (v.3-7) … I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me — “Yes, I confess the offense and sin that damaged our relationship, and I can’t get it off my mind; for that, I am truly sorry and, by your mercy alone, I ask you to blot it out.”

(d) (V.11) Cast me not away from thy presence…. — I’m praying that this relationship, in which I have betrayed your trust, be restored…

(e) (V.12-13) ¹³Then will I (if you will do this for me, this is what I will do to prove my sincerity) teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. “..and I promise that I won’t place my fellowship in this jeopardy again: instead, I’ll teach others not to make the same mistakes that I have so foolishly made.”

f) We all realize that, especially in marital relationships, those offences may often seem only trivial, and we’re about to discuss those after we read Song of Solomon 2:11.

[CLASS TURN TO SONG OF SOLOMON 2:11-15.]

g) Though The Song of Solomon contains some very interesting allegories, we are told it is one of the least read books of the Bible.

h) It reflects two parties who love one another deeply…

i) Some champion the view that it is a literal dialogue between two people in love with one another.

ii) Others contend that the story refers allegorically to Christ and the church.

iii) Actually, it works well for either use, but let’s use it today as a direct dialogue between two people who are truly in love with one another.

i) Let’s begin the thought by going to verse 11 and reading through verse 11-15.

j) The scene is the coming of spring: winter is gone, blooms are appearing, birds are singing, doves are cooing, fruits are ripening, vines are donning new leaves and aromas.

[CLASS READ THE SONG OF SOLOMON 2:11-15.]

¹¹For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; ¹²The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land; ¹³The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. [2]

¹⁴O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. ¹⁵Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.[3]

3) CATCH THE LITTLE FOXES

a) The scene is the coming of spring: winter is gone, blooms are appearing, birds are singing, doves are cooing, fruits are ripening, vines are blossoming… listen…. Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.

b) From this verse, I think we can assume two things, (1) The couple was married, maybe newlyweds, and (2) The “little foxes” represent little things that can ruin and threaten the love that they both value so highly.

c) So, the marriage begins with a mutual commitment from both parties to stay together for the long haul, which means….

i) To see after one another’s welfare – no matter what.

ii) To not drift apart, and to be on constant lookout for these “little foxes” – these wedges, that ever so slyly and slowly drift in and cause them to drift apart.

d) We’re all aware of the “big” things, such as sexual immorality or physical or mental abuse, either of which can certainly destroy the marriage; yet the relationship can also be ruined by an overload of these little things – these “little foxes” that threaten to “spoil the vines.”

e) And, many of these “little foxes” originate with the differences in how the two were raised.

i) He expects her to be like “Mama”; she expects him to be like “Daddy.”, yet neither will happen.

ii) Maybe, with the paradigm of marriage, we settle on her or his opinions, or possibly agree to blend the two, but it’s essential that we both make the adjustments so the marriage will survive.

iii) Different backgrounds result in different views on:

(1) How to handle money

(2) Example: If we have a little money to spare, do we buy “totally useless” pillows for the couch or a “useful and beneficial ATV for the farm?!?!

(3) Priority on careers

(4) How much income is needed?

(5) What is the value of being a homemaker or homeschooler?

(6) Childrearing – discipline, education, spiritual and social development, social media access, modesty, teaching priority of home and family versus social status, etc..

f) These may seem to be “little things”, but they are “little foxes” which should be laid to rest prior to marriage because sooner or later, such differences often grow into destructive disputes that destroy the marriage.

g) Marriage involves two virtues that bear upon both the wife and the husband…

i) FORGIVENESS – first, for the “big” sins, or those that may more immediately inflict lots of pain.

ii) FORBEARANCE – next, with the “little” things that may only irritate at first, but eventually grow and accumulate into one big pain, which becomes progressively irreconcilable.

h) So, we’ve discussed the necessity, as we grow in the marriage relationship, for confession and repentance.

i) We have discussed the need to be watchful for the little “foxes”, the little things that eventually grow into bigger and more painful differences.

j) Finally, we want to focus on the need to connect spiritually; and, for our scriptural base, we use the marriage relationship of Aquilla and Priscilla, as mentioned by Luke in Acts and by Paul in his letter to the Romans.

[CLASS TURN TO ACTS 18 AND ROMANS 16.]

k) Paul’s experience with Aquilla and Priscilla apparently began in Corinth when he arrived from Athens.

l) They had come from Rome to Corinth when the Roman emperor Claudius expelled the Jews from Rome, and it was in Athens that Paul, being a tentmaker, met this married couple, Aquilla and Priscilla.

m) More can be read about Aquilla and Priscilla and all their journeys, many with Paul, from Corinth to Ephesus, where they heard a very impressive young preacher named Apollos, so let’s read quickly that account in Acts 18: 24-26.

[CLASS READ ACTS 18: 24-26.]

²⁴And a certain Jew named Apollos, born at Alexandria, an eloquent man, and mighty in the scriptures, came to Ephesus. ²⁵This man was instructed in the way of the Lord; and being fervent in the spirit, he spake and taught diligently the things of the Lord, knowing only the baptism of John. ²⁶And he began to speak boldly in the synagogue: whom when Aquila and Priscilla had heard, they took him unto them, and expounded unto him the way of God more perfectly.[4]

4) CONNECT SPIRITUALLY

a) By deduction from this account, we learn that Aquilla and Priscilla’s relationship was solid and that the Lord’s work was high priority in their lives, from time of meeting with Paul in Corinth to Ephesus (note the tactful manner in which they handled the mistakes of Apollos), then back to Corinth, where they were holding church in their own home.

b) Then in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church at Rome, we find them having returned to Rome, where they were again allowing the church to meet in their home.

c) So, Aquilla and Priscilla carried their faith with them – from Rome to Corinth to Ephesus, back to Corinth, and again back to Rome – still together, still connected spiritually.

d) And this should be one of the main points of settlement in marriage – to share the same spiritual convictions so the two can work in both word and deed to spread the message of Jesus Christ – together.

5) SUMMARY

a) Give continuous attention to maintaining the most vital of all earthly relationships, which is your marriage.

b) Catch and eliminate the “little foxes” that will eventually hamper or destroy the marriage.

c) Connect spiritually with one another, preferably even prior to the wedding.

d) One of our highest priorities in prayer should be, “Lord, help me to know what I need to be and do that we may have a lasting and loving Christian marriage, home, and family.”

[1]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[2]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[3]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[4]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.