This is one in a series of five lessons presented by Travis W. Lewis in 2010. Each has been revised in outline form with intent to facilitate ease of reading and comprehension. Opinions expressed in these publications represent those of the author alone and not necessarily those of any organization or individual with which the author may be affiliated. Armed with only private prayer, intense study, decades of teaching experience, continuous observation, and a satiating desire to leave behind some truths learned at great expense, the author claims no professional training in marriage counselling.

[Photo at the opening of this lesson is of John David and Laura Roberts Lewis, who were married May 27, 1996.]

MARRIAGE – YOU AND YOU ALONE

By: Travis W. Lewis

Lesson 4 of 5

[CLASS TURN TO MATTHEW 5.]

1) INTRODUCTION

a) This is the fourth session in a five-lesson series that refers to the sanctity and seriousness of marriage.

b) We have begun each lesson by repeating the five titles that capture the thoughts of these five lessons. Let’s repeat them again, together…

i) In The Presence Of God – I Still Do

ii) When 1+1=1

iii) The Crown Jewel Of My Treasure

iv) You – And You Alone

v) From Now On

c) The first lesson focused on the marriage institution itself being the key part of mankind’s social structure and the seriousness of taking the marriage vow along with thoughts on the intention of making it what God originally intended for the marriage of man and woman to be.

d) The second lesson involved the impact of YOU choosing HER/HIM to become part of YOU – thus, 1+1 now equals 1.

e) In our third lesson, we focused on…

i) The beauty of marriage as it was meant to be in reference to what the Holy Spirit intended for us to understand in use of the term interpreted “submission” as it involves the husband-and-wife relationship.

ii) The term “love” when used to describe the relationship between husband and wife, and that it is translated from the Greek term meaning “sacrificial love”, similar to that which Christ had for the church.

f) This lesson is about marital faithfulness, and that “unfaithfulness” can certainly mean more than physical contact with a person other than the one to whom we have pledged to cherish.

g) For Scripture reference, we go straight to the words of Jesus for the first part, and to none other than the Sermon on the Mount as He addressed the Seventh Commandment, which targeted the marriage relationship.

h) As the lesson progresses, we will drop back a thousand years or so for the advice of Solomon whose experience had taught the inevitable dangers of unfaithfulness and adultery.

i) We will focus on three issues…

i) Avoiding mental adultery

ii) Finding fulfillment in our own spouse

iii) And, recognizing what’s at stake when failure occurs

j) So, let’s begin with Jesus’ words to this large congregation very near the beginning of His ministry.

k) From the beginning of His sermon, Jesus had been explaining how there was much more involved in the spirit of the ten basic commandments than how they had been accepted as their simple meaning.

[CLASS READ MATTHEW 5: 27-30.]

²⁷Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: ²⁸But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. ²⁹And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. ³⁰And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.[1]

2) AVOID MENTAL ADULTERY

a) Since I was raised in a culture which generally avoided discussion of such subjects in a mixed gender group such as this, it remains one of the more difficult lessons for me; nevertheless, with God as my helper, this will be my best effort to explain what I believe He would have us understand about maintaining a marriage intact.

b) In this part of His sermon, Jesus sheds a whole new intensity of light on the term “adultery,” or infidelity in the marriage relationship.

c) Heretofore, and even today, the term “adultery,” when regarded at all, is seen as the culmination of a lustful, sexual attraction, or a physical, sexual relationship between two partners, at least one of whom is married to another person.

d) That is what Jesus was explaining:

i) Jesus states that the term “adultery”, as mentioned in the Seventh Commandment, certainly refers to the culmination of physical lust, but it means much more.

ii) Because, as Jesus continues to explain that before physical culmination happens, adultery has already taken place – in a place where no one can witness and possibly not even the initial perpetrator takes note of the sincerity of what is taking place.

e) We are told by professionals who delve into the origin of such choices that, with the man, the choice is usually made to satisfy his physical desires; and, with the woman, it’s usually to satisfy her emotional needs.

f) However, in either case, according to Jesus, it is adultery.

g) At this point, I want to exemplify a much too common and familiar scenario, then we will discuss questions regarding the developing situation.

h) Once the scene has been set, we will discuss the points at which costly choices were made; so, listen closely, and try to grasp a clear picture of the trap being set.

i) SCENARIO:

i) See this man who recognizes this lady, to whom he isn’t married, at work or in a place of business; she adorns and dresses herself in contemporary fashion (which almost invariably draws attention to the physical and at least suggests permissiveness).

ii) He subsequently sees her as being attractive in appearance, so he comments privately to her how attractive she is, and he invites her to lunch with him; she accepts his invitation.

iii) During lunch and ensuing conversation, regular eye contact develops to the point where she is emotionally attracted to him, and he is to her.

iv) Over a period of time, maybe hours or even months, the already adulterous relationship develops further and eventually culminates in physical adultery.

v) QUESTION: Who is guilty of adultery? Both.

(1) By the woman –

(a) Long before the lunch date, she failed to consider the message she would send by her immodest, though “contemporary,” appearance. Though she may not have considered it so, she had no control over how the conveyed message would be received and to whom it would appear promiscuous. That was her first mistake.

(b) Then, by not recognizing, or failure to be concerned with, how both their presence in a private setting might be construed by the man, as well as others.

(c) Also, by engaging in private conversation that prompts eye contact or invokes emotion of any sort.

(d) Though she is certainly free to make those choices, once made, she loses most control of the consequences that follow; and, with each sequential choice, the more difficult and hurtful will be a reversal.

(e) In other words, “Don’t blame the bulldog when he goes for the beefsteak left carelessly or unintentionally unattended and apparently within his reach.”

(2) By the man –

(a) Though the woman invited his attraction, he admired her appearance for too long.

(b) The physical attraction of a man to a woman may be the oldest and most robust instinct possessed by the human male gender, and, being so, and without strong discipline, it often spirals out of control quickly.

(c) “Times” and culture may change, but that instinct remains well intact.

(d) Satan takes advantage of what, at first, could have been an innocent friendship, yet, by misguiding the basest human instinct, the innocent intent is converted into an adulterous temptation. Then, soon the man’s better judgment is sacrificed for instant gratification.

vi) QUESTION: Did she have a “right” to dress herself in the manner that many, if not most, do? According to man’s law, YES

vii)QUESTION: Was it the right thing to do? NO

viii) QUESTION: Did he have a “right” to invite her to lunch: YES

ix) QUESTION: Was it the right thing to do? NO

x) QUESTION: Why? Because a trap was set by both; both were the trapper, and both were the prey; the trap being set:

(1) By the woman –

(a) When she either consciously or unconsciously dressed herself in such a way to invite those second glances.

(b) By not being conscious of the common trap she was setting for some man, who in many facets of life may be wise, but to this one temptation, he becomes a fool.

(c) By accepting the invitation, and by either not caring or not foreseeing the possible consequences of her choice.

(2) And, by the man:

(a) By taking that second glance, or by allowing that glance to last for too long, and not considering the lesson we are about to read from Proverbs 5.

(b) By not recognizing this to be one of the oldest social and costliest traps known to man.

(c) By not considering, or by not being prepared to manage, his own natural weakness and by not walking away instead of proceeding blindly into the trap.

j) Consequences

i) Both the trapped and the trapper have paid with loss of esteem.

ii) At least two families are in pain.

iii) What could have been valuable relationships have been reduced to shame and very possibly damaged permanently.

iv) Valuable trust has been lost which, though not impossible, will be difficult to regain.

[CLASS TURN TO PROVERBS 5.]

k) So, though too late, a situation has resulted where both the trapper and the trapped suffer the pain and anguish caused by poor choices made by each – one by a poor choice of attire, and another by a single glance that lasted too long.

l) Similar scenarios regularly take shape in lives of young, unmarried women and men, even incredibly young girls and boys, but that’s a subject for another presentation and somewhat separate from our present focus on marriage.

m) So, we return to Proverbs and consider the lesson that Solomon gives about finding fulfillment in one’s own spouse…

[CLASS READ PROVERBS 5: 15-21.]

¹⁵Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. ¹⁶Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. ¹⁷Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. ¹⁸Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. ¹⁹Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. ²⁰And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? ²¹For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings[2]

3) DRINK FROM THINE OWN CISTERN

a) I hope there is little need to go into detail regarding the advice that Solomon is giving to the man in particular.

b) It is a lesson directed pointedly at the man, because main responsibility points to the man who must have this lesson mentally internalized if his choices are to be prevented from carrying him to a point of no return.

c) Observation in life and study of biblical examples have convinced me that it is the man who is best equipped, by design, to foresee the trap and the hurt that it invites.

d) It is he who is usually best equipped to recognize what the stakes are, which is what our final scripture speaks to.

[CLASS READ PROVERBS 6: 25-32.]

²⁵Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. ²⁶For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life. ²⁷Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? ²⁸Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? ²⁹So he that goeth in to his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent. ³⁰Men do not despise a thief, if he steal to satisfy his soul when he is hungry; ³¹But if he be found, he shall restore sevenfold; he shall give all the substance of his house. ³²But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding.

4) RECOGNIZE WHAT IS AT STAKE

a) Notice how Solomon differentiates the pain resulting between affairs with a prostitute and an adulteress.

b) QUESTION: Which does he regard as the most dangerous? The adulteress

i) Though such a sin with the prostitute exacts great cost to character, conscience, and self-respect, the cost is only a “piece of bread”, or money, which can possibly be replaced.

ii) But an adulteress goes after your very life.

iii) Though most every family can witness of the costs of adultery, heaviest of all being the elements of life which can hardly be replaced – home, relationships with one’s own children and family, self-guilt, mutual trust from friends, loss of character in the eyes of self and others. [3]

c) It may be difficult to imagine the harm and hurt and demoralization of being involved in an encounter with an acknowledged prostitute, along with the guilt with which one would be laden for the remainder of life.

d) But Solomon stresses that even one quick, second glance into the eyes of a woman who is either too ignorant or too wicked, or both, to care about the trap she sets is more dangerous and more deceptive than that of the acknowledged prostitute.

e) It was true three-thousand years ago in the life of Solomon, and the fact is still true today – a man can’t hold fire to his chest and not be burned nor can he walk on a bed of hot coals and not blister his feet.

f) So is one who thinks he can let it go just so far and stop it at some unidentified point before the trap springs.

5) PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN – WHAT THEN?

a) All relationships have dynamics which must be addressed and maintained to survive, especially if they are to thrive.

b) And none are more sensitive than marriage – even between the apparently caring, God-fearing couple.

c) Yet, with the most stable, traditional Judeo-Christian marriage, be assured of Satan’s interest in interjecting his seeds of doubt and disunity – and often he succeeds to the point of rendering the marriage irreconcilable.

d) We must not close such a lesson as this without addressing situations where neither party is willing to repent or to forgive. Either attitude renders long-term reconciliation, and eventual rebuilding, unachievable.

e) I lay no claim to being a counsellor who is called and trained to dig into such dynamics and to steer a troubled couple along the road to reconciliation; however, I am convinced such a trip will involve prayer, forgiveness, and probably some compromise by both parties.

f) Due to my inability to address all those undercurrents that sway responses to marriage infidelity, I strongly recommend contact with a dedicated Christian counsellor who understands the weightiness of the Christian marriage and who is trained in the repair of those damaged relationships.

g) Above, there is no substitute for falling on one’s knees before a caring God in confession from a penitent heart, simply begging forgiveness for the past and guidance in the uncertain future.

h) Preserving and reinforcing the institution of biblical marriage is always worth the effort and is of such value as to warrant utmost effort to salvage.

6) CONCLUSION

a) In summary, God designed marriage as the only relationship for sexual intimacy.

b) Any other such relationship may involve momentary fulfillment but will inevitably cost a lifetime of regret.

c) Regardless of age or the number of anniversaries having been celebrated, no marriage is immune to the tragedy of adultery, because “there’s no fool like and old fool.” [4]

d) So, since the stakes so high, married couples do well by being continually vigilant to protect or rid themselves of any temptation toward unfaithfulness to the other.

[1]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[2]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[3] For further thought on this, I strongly recommend reference to Matthew Henry’s Commentary On the Whole Bible, Volume 3, pgs. 675-677; Hendrickson Publishers, Third Edition, 1994

[4] John Heyward collection of proverbs, 1546