This is one in a series of five lessons presented by Travis W. Lewis in 2010. Each has been revised in outline form with intent to facilitate ease of reading and comprehension. Opinions expressed in these publications represent those of the author alone and not necessarily those of any organization or individual with which the author may be affiliated. Armed with only private prayer, intense study, decades of teaching experience, continuous observation, and a satiating desire to leave behind some truths learned at great expense, the author claims no professional training in marriage counselling.

[The image attached to this post is of Travis Warren and Janice Kay Nowell Lewis who were married September 2, 1965.]

MARRIAGE – THE CROWN JEWEL OF MY TREASURE

By: Travis W. Lewis

Lesson 3 of 5

[CLASS TURN TO EPHESIANS 5: 21.]

1) INTRODUCTION

a) This is the third of a series of five lessons which focus on marriage.

b) Our first lesson began by combining and reciting together the five titles which make up this series:

i) In The Presence Of God…

ii) I Take You….

iii) To Love And To Cherish

iv) I Pledge My Faithfulness

v) From This Day Forward

c) The series began with a discussion which focused on the seriousness of the marriage vows and how the institution of marriage, from the beginning, was meant to be the cornerstone of human societal relationships.

d) After pointing out how, when the institution is redefined as is being progressively done in our age, general society suffers, we followed by touching on the reasons for every Christian especially to periodically consider such subjects as the marriage institution, because each one of us tend to forget the value of what we have if we don’t, from time to time, review its worth.

e) That’s how we began our last session — by digging into the structure of the marriage institution and targeting, among other thoughts, the ramifications of the term “becoming one flesh”.

f) We also noticed that, even after at least a few millenniums had passed since the institution of marriage had been introduced in the beginning, and over one-thousand years had passed since God had given Israel the written Law, once again, in Malachi’s time, God was rehearsing to Israel the reasons for His displeasure with their abandonment of Him, they asked, i.e., “What have we done that’s so bad? We still give our offerings; we still sacrifice and worship regularly; we still have the Law read. So, what have we done?”.

g) And God replies in Malachi 2, “You have redefined the marriage institution and, by your disregard of its intent from the beginning, and, at will and without second thoughts, you think nothing of dissolving your first set of wedding vows and taking on another set with yet another mate.”.

h) God was obviously using this example, through Malachi, to demonstrate to Israel that, though they were still going through the motions of worship, many of the basics of shalom were being disregarded in their daily lives.

i) And the point of this series begs the question, “Are the Lord’s children not making the same mistake today?”

j) One of the most alarming examples of folks professing to be Christian is their adaptation of the world’s redefinition of marriage and the biblical pattern for the husband-wife relationship.

k) And, as with the terms “become one” and “committing adultery” and many others, we can redefine all these to suit our own time and situation, yet the meaning remains the same – and so do the consequences of forging a new meaning to what Scriptures define.

l) So, let’s go forward several hundred years to the fifth chapter of Paul’s letter to the Ephesians as we focus how the Apostle explained this relationship between the husband wife.

m) To come abreast with the flow of Paul’s thought, let’s begin in verse 15 and continue through verse 21.

[CLASS READ EPHESIANS 5: 15-24.]

¹⁵See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, ¹⁶Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. ¹⁷Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. ¹⁸And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; ¹⁹Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; ²⁰Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; [1]

²¹Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. ²²Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. ²⁴Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.[2]

2) UNDERSTANDING SUBMISSION

a) Being red-blooded Americans, the mere mention in conversation of the word “submission” usually generates a variety of reactions, most of which turn out to be negative, and we don’t respond to the term very favorably.

b) Yet, if we’re genuinely serious about understanding the marital relationship from a biblical perspective, this term “submission” is one with which we must grapple and understand in its scriptural context.

c) QUESTION: In what relationship does Paul’s letter first mention “submit” in relationship to one another in verse 21?

d) QUESTION: Is there even a hint of any inferiority of one to the other? No

e) QUESTION: If not, then what could Paul be teaching with this thought of “submitting to one another?”

i) That we give due consideration to the fact that harmony in the body of believers is more important than the satisfaction of feeling that our own interests being served.

ii) And that we do so with the thought in mind that, unless the issue involves the crucial welfare or survival of the institution itself, our primary thought should be to strive toward the goal of reaching a mutually workable conclusion and submit to such.

f) Notice a vital factor that is vital and figures prominently into Paul’s concept of submission…

i) Christians do not submit to each other because they are forced; we do so in the fear of the Lord and with the macro view of His Cause in mind.

ii) A Christ-like attitude doesn’t seek to force another into submission, which, especially in this case, must be done voluntarily.

g) And it’s the same thought that follows as it pertains to the marital relationship.

i) So, in this context, the term “submit” in verse 22 teaches that the wife is not to consider herself to be little or nothing more than her husband’s property.

ii) Instead, she sees herself, not as property, but as partner – an equal shareholder in the life they both have been committed before God to be one, “from this day forward.”

iii) And, “the hand we’re dealt, we’ll play together; when we win, we celebrate together; and when we lose, we will lick our wounds and go on together.”

h) Yet, at some point in some matter, there will inevitably be disagreement on “how to play the hand we draw.”

i) QUESTION: At that point, how is resolution reached?

ii) Both opinions of the better path forward must be seriously considered, with special attention to the impact of each preference on the relationship between themselves and their relationship with God, after which a final decision is the responsibility of the husband; this is his choice, and its effects must not compromise the strength of the relationship. ²²Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

iii) “Submit” on the part of the wife must not come to mean that the husband “has his way,” for it is he alone who will bear the responsibility of the effect of his choice on the relationship.

i) Now, lest the husband throws out the chest too far and too quickly, we should move on to verse 25 which sheds even more light on the responsibilities of the husband….

[CLASS READ EPHESIANS 5: 25-30.]

²⁵Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; ²⁶That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. ²⁹For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: ³⁰For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.[3]

3) UNDERSTANDING LOVE

a) Husbands, love your wives...

b) In this passage, the English word “love” is translated from the Greek term, “agapao”.

c) The term is translated differently from another common Greek term “phileo”, which relates to the feeling of a friend, or another term that relates to the attachment we commonly have for our child.

d) But this term, “agapao”, describes the kind of love expressed in sacrificial commitment.

e) It’s the kind that costs us more to experience, but the rewards are infinitely higher for having chosen to develop and to grow it.

f) It’s the kind of love that prompts one to sacrifice self-will for the sake of love for another.

g) And Paul wanted husbands to understand this to be the love they were to have for the wife to whom he has vowed his love until death.

h) It’s much more than simply expressing affection, or intimacy, or romance.

i) It involves making willful sacrifice out of concern for his wife’s best interests and the strength of their unique relationship.

j) QUESTION: So, in reference to verse 25, how did Christ love the church?

i) By literally giving His all for it.

ii) To the extent of being willing to pay whatever price necessary that His children might exemplify the ideal which He knew they could show forth.

iii) Why? Because just as God is happy only as we become what He knows we can be, so are we happy only when we know we are pleasing to Him.

iv) Likewise, the husband and wife are to be one – and as she becomes all that he knows she can be, so does he become all that she knows he can be.

k) So, thus far, Paul’s letter has offered three insights into this husband/wife relationship…

i) First, a wife is to submit to her husband by affirming his leadership, though not domineering, role in the home.

ii) Second, the husband should ask himself if his wife is more like what God intended her to be because she married him.

iii) Third, that he is nearer to what God expects him to be because he married her.

l) Paul goes on to use yet another analogy of a husband’s love for his wife, that being linked to the intensity of care and attention he lends to his own body.

i) As his concern is with his own welfare, so is it to be with hers.

ii) As he prioritizes the well-being of his physical, emotional, and spiritual state, so is his attention to be turned to that of hers – above all others.

m) Then, to seal his argument, Paul returns to the bedrock Old Testament passage on marriage, which we covered previously in this series.

[CLASS READ EPHESIANS 5: 31-33; 1 PETER 3:7.]

³¹For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. ³²This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. [4]

⁷Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. [5]

4) UNDERSTANDING RESPECT AND HONOR

a) Reference to a man leaving his father’s house and cleaving unto his wife does not direct that those relations be severed, but that this new relation which the husband has assumed is a union to be given highest priority among all the others, once the vows are solemnized.

b) Among other issues in real life, serious friction starts to brew when Satan infuses a bit of jealousy into the hearts of either spouse concerning lingering loyalty toward parents of the other.

i) Though I don’t possess supporting facts beyond lots of personal observation, more often it seems to begin in the heart of the wife.

ii) Failure to discuss such obstacles seem not to be often discussed prior to the wedding, thus both spouses are caught off guard when the seed of jealousy is privately planted within one of their hearts, after which the seed germinates and grows to the point of pain before being shared with the other.

iii) Reaching a mutual understanding is vital, and the preservation of deep and reciprocated love must be the shared concern, never to leave doubt as to who receives highest priority in the lives of both.

c) Other views of mutual concern which seem to often go unresolved prior to marriage are religion, politics, and child-rearing – all which are closely related.

i) For husband and wife to be unequally yoked regarding their religious beliefs is to invite friction along the road they vow to travel together.

ii) This is not to argue that two people with differing religious beliefs and who follow each other to the altar of marriage are bound for divorce court; however, this is a warning that the further apart those beliefs are, the more apt a serious rift is to appear.

iii) Married life of every couple is fraught with troubles and hard quandaries which neither can foresee on their wedding day; yet be assured these will be presented with such intensity that neither can at once be sure which choice to make or even what choices they have.

iv) For two people who have assumed the marriage vows to be able to bow in unison before God, to ask forgiveness and share their burdens with one another and with Him, nears to being imperative.

v) And, unless the cry springs from the salvation of the soul, any effort at prayer when the petitioner cannot claim a genuine relationship with God through Jesus Christ is of no avail; in other words, we have no reason to believe that God hears the bleating of a sheep that is not of his flock, unless that sheep is pleading to enter His fold.

vi) The importance of corresponding political views very nearly parallel those of religion because all political beliefs are a direct reflection of religion’s influence – of what one believes about God and how we can know Him.

vii) Also, ideas of child-rearing follow alongside religion and politics, so all three are best agreed upon prior to the exchange of the solemn and permanent vow.

d) In contemporary language, Paul says that, “Even though it may be difficult to completely understand and summarize, I tell you who purport to be the Christian husband, to treat your wife in a manner altogether different from your other attachments, to protect her with your strongest sense of responsibility and to be answerable for her emotional and spiritual maturity above all others.

e) Biblical relationships invite our best efforts to mine the depths of all that God intended them to be; and in my role as a husband, I am to love the former Kay Nowell in a way totally dissimilar to any other, realizing that just as she contributes to our relationship in ways that I can never contribute, she is the crown jewel of all my earthly treasure; and in turn, she respects me to the same degree, and understands that I am the one ultimately responsible for our welfare.

f) It is the architecture of Biblical marriage and will never change.

[1]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[2]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[3]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[4]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

[5]The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.